I am blessed to have just celebrated 38 years of marriage to the same woman. It has not always been easy, and it helps that she is a saint. Building good relationships that last take 3 key ingredients: Love, Transparency, and Desire
LOVE
By love I mean a deep respect, being kind, and leaning toward them. I have a deep respect for my wife’s opinions, ideas, and accomplishments. She is a remarkable woman, and that makes it easier. When we collaborate on decisions, they are always better. The times I have not respected her, she gets hurt, and our relationship suffers. I really work on being kind by seeing her as an equal, being open to a uniquely different viewpoint, and not being sarcastic. I am “leaning towards” someone when the focus is on them, not the self-absorbed times I am totally focused on me.
TRANSPARENCY
I was introduced to the Johari window in 1990 and think it is a great visual tool on how to create effective relationships (see diagram below). The 4 main areas of the relationship are the Open area (where both you and I are aware of information about me - I am a man, my name is Rein, etc.); The Hidden area (information I know about me that you do not - the skeletons in my closet); The Blind spot (where you know something about me that I do not - honey, you have kale in your teeth again); and the Mystery area (contains information about me that neither you nor I know yet). To build trust with someone, your Open area needs to be as large as possible. To accomplish this we share information about our self (reducing our Hidden area) and seek feedback from others (reducing our Blind spot). The more we do this the more we reduce the mystery area. When we open up (share) and discover other perceptions through feedback, we learn interesting discoveries about our self that were locked away. I was once informed I was walking in an awkward way. I thought about why and went back to a time I had sprained my ankle and would favor the other leg more. I continued to do that and as I increased my walking for health reasons, the awkward gate was creating pain in my hip. I corrected that and have walked with less pain since. We increase our Open area by asking great questions and listening to understand what others are telling us. These 2 important skills help us in others situations also.
DESIRE
Desire is necessary to keep a relationship healthy, fresh, interesting. The last key to a long relationship has to do with its importance in your eyes. We should not take it for granted. A long relationship like this is a rare and sacred contract. Once we start to assume it will always be there, it starts to lose its shine. There is no relationship as important to me than the one I have with my wife, Minnie Kansman. Yet, there are times that I do not feed it properly, go through the motions, and it loses value. Luckily, Minnie will call me out at times on this and I can quickly reprioritize. The amount of comfort, trust level, and experiences shared is not easily replaced. I am where I am today because of the relationship I have with my wife. Her unique perspectives, genuine laugh, and unconditional love never grows old. I am fortunate enough to have several long relationships. Together, we continue to nourish them. I have had others that I thought were just as strong that faded away. Both parties need to see the value, want the friendship, and apply the 3 key elements to keep it alive. What do you do to keep your best relationships strong?
Cover photo ID 102049060 © Pleprakaymas | Dreamstime.com
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