I do tend to avoid conflict, which created some problems in my professional career. It has been a continuous work in progress for me. Delaying the tough conversations and decisions only made things worse for everyone concerned. I became better at it as time went on.
I thought that once I retired, I wouldn’t have to worry about conflict as much. I work hard on my partnership of 44 years with Minnie. Yes, we have conflict, but we deal with keeping the relationship foremost in our minds.
Presently I have a new opportunity in dealing with conflict with my mother. My Father passed away peacefully after 95 wonderful years on this earth. My parents were married for 68 years. To live to 95 years and enjoy a successful partnership for 68 years are goals I aspire to and am grateful that they experienced.
They had a traditional partnership for their generation with my father handling all the financial and business aspects. My mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s about 5-6 years ago, so she no longer drives, and my father became her caregiver.
When he passed that responsibility became the children’s. Most of it is handled by my sister and brother. Mom does take care of herself, her cat, and some of the housework. She is a brilliant woman that was an incredible nurse, mother, and many other roles. Her cooking inspired me to become a chef. Now we have unplugged the stove in fear of her burning down the apartment.
She lives in a posh retirement community with 3 meals a day, a theatre, salon, fitness center, and weekly events. She has caregivers from 10 AM- 6 PM daily and is pretty good at getting herself down for meals. The rest of the events she would not remember to attend, so that responsibility falls on her caregivers, my sister (who lives locally), or a call from my brother or myself. She likes where she lives and believes she can live independently without help from her caregivers. Which she sometimes calls her babysitters.
As a child of this beautiful human being, I want her to be happy, especially with the loss of my father. My perspective, as a responsible adult, is that her current situation is not a good long-term plan. We have looked at some solid assisted living options that she can afford and would be able to keep her cat. The conflicts will happen when the three of us siblings get together to collaborate the best option. That conversation I look forward to. The conflict I fear is in telling and then moving my mother away from a place she likes.
I spent 7 days with her for 24 hours each day last summer. The week’s events confirmed my beliefs, brought moments of joy, and tears. We had several field trips to get her out of the apartment (like in the picture above) and visit relatives. One morning she was especially dizzy. When I left for my daily walk, she was napping. As I left the building, I was worried about her but felt she was safe. I tripped and fell forward hard. Was somebody telling me I shouldn’t leave her that day? Then a mile further into my walk the first vulture I had seen that week landed on a telephone pole in front of me. Was that another sign?
I returned to my mother still napping in her chair and realized I was dealing with leaving the nest that day with unresolved issues. So, as I kissed her goodbye the next day and entered my Lyft to the airport I had mixed emotions. I was sad to leave her. It would probably be 2 months before I would return. I was also excited to get back home to my wife and life in Colorado (with a bit of guilt).
I need to be grateful for every day I am alive, every day I have with her, and do right by her (even if it brings conflict).
Comments