What do you need right now?
This question was posed to me from my prompt book over the 2021 Holidays. The answer in my head was “A Kinder Holiday”. My stomach was gurgling because of the drama brewing around me. It had not always been that way for us.
We have a close and loving family that has gratefully grown with marriages, the birth of children, and even grandchildren. But the family dynamics changed over time, so that we are not as close, creating more drama during the family Holiday gatherings.
My assumptions or reasons for this change might resonate with you:
Our Parents (the Greatest Generation) have passed on or are no longer in control of these events.
Our generation (the Baby Boomers) have found partners, which necessitated a blending of family traditions and a compromise of values and ideas, which create unique expectations for how the time should be celebrated.
Our children (the Millennials) have found partners, moved away, and started personal family traditions of their own. They are not there to be buffers.
Then there may be the one sibling who did not find a life partner or raise kids. They are hanging on to “what was” and feeling less a part of the family because they don’t share similar experiences with their siblings.
So, each group ends up living in a way that benefits their new family unit, it differs from the others, and this creates a conflict of interests. In small doses of a single day or two, we can tolerate not always having it go “our way”, the negativity personalities, and the covert verbal abuse. When the visit is a longer commitment, days 3 and 4 can start to be uncomfortable.
So, we travel home, swearing we will not be talked into that scenario again. This sounds amazingly like the promise we made 12 months earlier. I am not sure avoidance is the best mode of dealing with this conflict, but new strategies may help.
I can control myself, and I can start to have conversations (not always so pleasant) that will deal with this more transparently. I love all my family and need to treat them in a loving way. In fact, when people ask me after returning home, “How were your Holidays?”, I only remember the high points.
Thanks for letting me vent to start the process of moving forward. What are the plans for 2023?
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